Why do I feel like an outsider?

"He wants awfully to be on the inside staring out: anybody with their nose pressed against a glass is liable to look stupid." - Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

No doubt that, if you're reading this, you're all too familiar with the forest of ivory towers this modern life presents. Be it the first-class lounge, the private box or clanking marina gates, we have all seen places that are reserved for those who appear to have something we lack. There is another aspect to this though. Some of us are won't to feel like outsiders in the company even of those we are closest to.

To such people there is a consistent yearning to find one's "tribe". There is an inevitable appeal to all things counter-cultural and a fluidity of persona. This leads to a markedly different range of interests from the norm. In conversation, said people may often appear shy, awkward or otherwise socially confused for this reason. The opposite is far more likely though.

There is no small degree of fear that is found in social interactions with those considered "insiders" by said people. Introverted, empathetic and often quite intelligent, anxiety occurs as the darker sides of potential acquaintances emerges in conversation. Bawdy jokes, gossip and clumsy displays of status can accentuate a feeling of insecurity. The reason for said insecurity is judgement.

Judgement is rarely given in the form of scathing critique or accusation. Such behaviour does little more than vilify us in front of others. Furthermore, the internal monologue of judgement, also called resentment, is easily caught and remedied. So, in a passive aggressive manner, outsiders may start to debase themselves. They no longer consider themselves as belonging to said group due the distaste they begin to feel for such conversation topics. An unconscious sense of pride is felt in ignoring the plain fact that nobody likes these behaviours. They are standard faux-pas.

From this we may begin to understand that two factors are at play in the outsider's mind. While fear overwhelms the desire to make connections, pride hides the cowardice beneath. Outsiders may begin to identify with terms such as sigma, empath or any other number of pseudo-scientific terms to justify these emotions. These labels, although perhaps somewhat laughable, serve a purpose. They help outsiders begin to identify their strengths. Self-awareness is the result of this.

The outsider may begin to realise that the discomfort they feel around so called "insiders" comes from a place of superior emotional sensitivity. Others recognise this. They respect it if they're good people. Although the admiration for such people may go unspoken, it will not exist at all if such sensitive people exclude themselves entirely. It is the inability to recognise this admiration that makes the outsider an outsider. A little grace and patience will reveal that it is the outsiders who are most wanted on the inside. They need only find the courage to step through the threshold.